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Got Blues? 

A Letter   - Sent to us by Jeff Schnase

First; A Word About Jeff 

Jeff Schnase, a singer/performer has graced stages as a single and as a band leader with groups of various sizes and styles in Denver at least since I have known him over the last group of years.  I've had the pleasure of watching him perform at such places as: The Common Grounds, Cabot's and Stella's, sometimes with the delight of sitting in with his collection of gifted and unique players.  The only musician (outside of Jeff) who has been there for each performance is Ron Buzbee.  He plays harmonica with a wonderful energy that suits Jeff's style quite well. 

The following, although not written by, was sent to us by Jeff Schnase. 

How to Sing the Blues 

- by Lame Mango Washington 

Attributed to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky, with revisions by Little Blind Patti D. and Dr. Stevie Franklin.

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning". 

2. "I got a good woman," is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line: "I got a good woman - with the meanest face in town". 

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes....sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound." 

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch: You stuck in a ditch ain't no way out. 

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die. 

6. Teenagers can't sign the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis. 

7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain. 

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't got the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is. 

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster. 

10. Good places for the Blues: a. highway b. jailhouse c. empty bed d. bottom of a whiskey glass Bad places: a. Ashrams b. gallery openings c. Ivy League institutions d. golf courses 

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old black man, and you slept in it. 

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: a. you're older than dirt b. you're blind c. you shot a man in Memphis d. you can't be satisfied No, if: a. you have all your teeth b. you were once blind but now can see c. the man in Memphis lived d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund 

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also get a leg up on the Blues. 

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. wine b. whiskey or bourbon c. muddy water d. black coffee The following are NOT Blues beverages: a. mixed drinks b. kosher wine c. Snapple d. sparkling water 

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely in a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction. 

16. Some Blues names for women: a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie d. Fat River Dumpling 

17. Some Blues names for men: a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Big Willie 

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis. 

19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit): a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. 

20. I don't care how tragic your life; you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it.  Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sit on it. I don't care. Now go on.

Please send us your comments about this article or (like Jeff) send us something to print that you find interesting. - Michael Chodosh

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